OH, CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN...

I think the funniest line I heard all week was "I tripped and fell into the rescue boat."

That's right up there with one of my other favorite quotes uttered by a man defending himself after being accused of stabbing a woman: "I didn't kill her, she fell into the knife."

Of course, both examples involved tragic deaths (as opposed, you know, to the non-tragic deaths), which are nothing to joke about.

Nevertheless, when the Italian Captain Shettino (I pronounce it with a slight variation) of the doomed cruise ship Costa Concordia invented the implausible "tripping" explanation for his cowardice, what could you do but smirk? That guy was tripping all right, but not with his feet.

Reading about this shmuck and his ship made me think of my dear old Dad.

Back in the day, he was an accountant during the week, but on summer weekends he was the proud captain of a 17-and-a-half-foot boat named The Wishbone. Dad was usually a jolly fellow, but once he stepped foot on that ocean vehicle, he was a changed man, all business and full of commands. We kids liked to have a fun day on the water, but Captain Daddy Bones knew that a boat - no matter how puny - was a precarious craft once you got out on the high seas and you had to treat it soberly and with respect. We could laugh and joke all we wanted, but he remained stern at the stern and kept a sharp eye on the water, on other boaters and on us. They called it pleasure boating, but Tom Bones wasn't about to let any tomfoolery affect his ship or his passengers.

Once when my sister and I were out on the boat with my Dad, I fell while waterskiing and hit my face on those 1970-eras skis-that-were-so-gigantic-they-could-have- been-used-as-surfboards. Blood gushed out of my cheek as I flopped around in the water. When my Dad circled the boat around to retrieve me, he looked as if he was going to pass out and frantically pulled me into the safety of the Wishbone.

I learned from Daddy Bones that a ship's captain is in unequivocally in charge and if that craft and its passengers go down, he would go down with them.

So Captain Suave Italian guy who allegedly was trying to impress a lady friend on the coast by gliding the cruise ship close to shore, all I can say to you is what Gomer Pyle used to proclaim on his television every week: "For shame, for shame, for shame." 

Shame on you for leaving people on the ship as it tilted into the sea. Shame on you for letting your crew and your entertainers and your waitstaff - people without fancy titles and dashing uniforms - save frantic passengers who were scrambling to survive.

And shame on you for thinking we'd buy that "I slipped and just happened to fall in the path of a rescue boat" crap.

Next to "honest, she just fell into my knife" that's the biggest fish story of the 21st century...