Whale of a Story, Pal...
Monday, March 1, 2010 at 02:53PM If you read behind the lines, the real reason that SeaWorld is still featuring the killer whale that pummeled its trainer to death last week is basically because he's a stud.
Tilikum (hey, I didn't name him...), the 12,000 pound killer whale, will remain with the theme park because he's "an important part of the breeding program at SeaWorld and a companion to seven other whales there."
In other words, he's da man, and a ladies' man at that. Keeping company with seven - count 'em! - whales is a whale of an accomplishment. Consider him the Tiger Woods of the aquarium set (sorry, couldn't resist) or the ocean's equivalent of the leader of a secret Mormon Sect (bada bing).
Hell, you can tell by the way he dragged the trainer by her hair that he's got game. There are reports that the whale thought her ponytail was a "toy" and that he was just playing, but come on, his species is named killer whales, not "whales who like to mess around with toys," what do ya expect? If you put killer dogs in a circus act, there's a chance that chaos may ensure. Likewise for sea creatures.
And don't forget that this particular killer whale Casanova came with a serious rap sheet - he was involved in the deaths of two other people in the last two decades - another trainer who lost her balance and fell into a Canadian theme park pool and a man who stayed at SeaWorld after closing and apparently fell into the whale tank. (His naked body was found draped over Tilikum, proving that the orca has a real flair for the dramatic and that he does not discriminate, gender-wise, when it comes to lethal mauling.)
SeaWorld officials insist that they did not ignore the whale's shady past and worked with him "very, very carefully. We did not get in the water with this animal like we do with other killer whales, because we recognized his potential."
They also recognized that he was a stud muffin who could produce a whole bunch of little killer whales, which means poolsful of cash for SeaWorld. Maybe they can give some of that dough to the late trainer's family for a proper funeral. Or maybe they could finally put Tilikum out to a watery pasture before he annihilates another innocent animal lover.
Just because he's a loverboy shouldn't mean that he gets a pass. Three strikes and he should be outta here. And trust me, lady whales, you might think he's the best thing since sliced cod, but you'll probably be better off - and a heck of a lot safer - without boyfriend. And who knows? You might forget all about that bum once you bump into some nice, dependable sperm whales...
Reader Comments (1)
FUNNNNNNY!!